I thought I could start the new year with a lot of positivity and new hope that the next 365 days would treat me a lot better than the last couple. I guess sometimes having high hopes isn’t so much of a good thing after all.
I’m feeling low these days. Pretty damn low.
I hate it, but I’m also down with a bad cold and heavy head so it pretty much feels like life isn’t treating me good this year. I’m trying to read a bit (cuz I love to read), I’m trying to uplift myself by watching funny videos on YouTube but nothing is of much help. I messaged most of my friends and told them I’ll be inactive on social media platforms like Facebook, Twitter and so on. I just want to stay away from everything that seems superficial right now.
I think that pushing people away when I need them the most is my way of becoming stronger and coping with what’s going on in my life. I don’t want to involve anyone and drag them into my messy life and so it feels better knowing they know nothing. But then again, I feel like I’d do much better if I spoke out and had someone to confide in. It’s all just a big mess in my head and so here I am, writing to you guys.
I hope this does not put any one of you down. I feel like I am more myself when I am writing which is why I have turned to my blog. This is my most sacred place. And I love the comfort I feel whenever I log in and write here.
So there were a couple more arguments over the weekend; every day is no different really. Our arguments are silly to be honest. But bottom line; on the whole it’s been ruining our lives. I don’t like being married and as bad as it sounds saying it and writing it here, its sadly very true. I don’t like it. I thought it would make me happier, stronger and a better person but I find that I am have lost myself and my identity. I hate all the obligations that came along with it and having to please ‘other people’ in the midst of everything else expected of a wife.
I don’t cook for that matter (we have a house maid who does that) but it seems to be a big deal that I as a wife do not cook for my husband. It’s not a big deal in my mind when we have a maid to do that. I clean our space, put our fresh linen and ensure there are meals prepared in this house for the people who live in it. Isn’t that good enough? It isn’t apparently.
I’m also expected to garb myself in ways that show off class and grandeur; none of which I enjoy or like doing. I’m a simple girl at heart and will always be. If I can wear jeans and a t-shirt (or a kurta) every single day of my life, that’s exactly what I would wear. I’m not about the overload of bling and whatnot but it seems that that is exactly what I am expected to showcase.
Whenever we had an argument, I’d always end of crying for hours in the bathroom. That was my little escape. But as the months went on last year, I grew stronger and I do not shed tears all that very much anymore. This has been taken in a wrong way too. I’ve become cold, they say. I’ve become too stiff, they say. It’s funny because I was asked to buck up whenever I was soppy. I was asked to man up if I became too emotional. Why the hypocrisy now?
I thought that focussing on myself therefore would bring me a bit of happiness and for some time, it really did. But now it’s been regarded as selfishness. I can’t seem to win either way here. Which is why I’m feeling a bit morbid and low these days. Pardon me, for I will bounce back. I have to believe that and trust in myself. I have to tell myself that repeatedly cuz I do not want to be stuck in a rut all over again. 2015 was dreadful in that sense and I am by no means interested in making this year the same.