No love


I don’t love you

But what did I do to make you hate me so much?

I never said hate

But you have no feelings…

That’s right, I have no feelings for you

But what I did I do wrong?

Look back over the years…

But I still love you, and I want to make this work…

I feel stuck in a relationship that I don’t want to be in

Give me one more chance?

But I just want to get away!

All I’ve wanted was to make you happy

But I’m not happy with you

What do you want out of this relationship?

What do you see for us in the coming year?

I just want you in my life

Even if I’m not happy and have no feelings for you?

What have I done wrong?

It’s not you, it’s me… I don’t love you

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Hard days

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Hard days are ahead.

You know that feelings in your body and mind; how? I have no idea, you just know it. When has life ever been easy any way? If last night and this morning wasn’t testament to that notion, I don’t know what else could be.

Yes, hard days are ahead.

I haven’t spoken or seen my mom for a day. This is unusual as I live in the same house. However, I’ve currently retreated to my in-laws since it’s empty for a few days. I’ve literally run away from my parents – I don’t want to see them. Especially my father. But I think what nags at the back of my mind, is that I haven’t seen or spoken to my mom.

You know, how people say that you’re Daddy’s Girl? I’m my mom’s girl. It’s different between us. I can’t really explain how I got to that conclusion, but I just am and it just is. We don’t confide in one another or anything of that sort but we do have like an unspeakable and indescribable bond between us. Even now, when I am hurting and yet choosing to stay away, I miss her and I wish she would understand.

I wish she could see how much I’m hurting and how long I’ve been hurting for. I wish I had her undeniable and silent support at all times. I wish she’d say to me that I don’t have to put up this facade for her or dad’s sake and just get on with my life. I wish she’d just understand. And by understanding, I wish she would let me be me.

My dad on the other hand; our relationship is complicated. We don’t communicate much. When we do, its never or hardly ever about each other. These days on the hand have been on the subject of my future and marriage. On a personal note, let me just vent out at the top of my lungs and say – MY LIFE ISN’T UP FOR DISCUSSION!. It never has been, it isn’t and it never will be. What I choose to do with it, is my decision. Last night’s ‘meddling’ post was with regard to that actually. I couldn’t keep my head straight and yep, that’s what I wrote in the heat of the moment. My dad loves to meddle with my life. Who doesn’t any way?

From being told what to wear, who to meet, where to go and what not to do – I’ve been told it all. Right now, it’s marriage counselling. I thought counselling was supposed to be a personal and private thing. Why in the world would be want to butt in on that? Of course, it’s my father…so obviously he’d butt in on it. It’s pretty normal for him. This is where I roll my eyes and sigh in frustration. On cue people, it happens on cue.

I don’t fucking want to go for counselling. It doesn’t make me feel any better and I certainly am not going just because my father says I should. Meddling with my life as always. Why? Why? Why? Why does he enjoy meddling so much? I think it has to do with our culture and community – both LOVE to stuff their noses in places and businesses that they shouldn’t. They thrive actually in place and businesses that aren’t theirs. I’m getting catty now…sigh…it’s normal these days to have catty feelings. This whole thing is just catty and depressing anyway. This is me being catty, at 2.30 am and I’m not even yawning. I’m frustrated and unhappy and very saddened by the thought of being this way.

Gonna end this post right here… I shall return tomorrow…possibly…

Meddling 

It’s for your own good…. Yeah yeah I’ve heard that one a gazillion times before… It never gets old and people don’t tire of saying it to you. 

Tonight.. I’m just tired of all the meddling. Sick and exhausted of it all. I don’t understand why someone cannot be let to live and just be. How hard is it really? My life has been meddled with in all its entirety. When it happens on a daily basis, it takes its toll on you and not in the best way. 

I thought I had somewhat of a pretty good week or hardly or less meddling and then, bam! It just hits you so hard right across the face. I hate… Hate is such a strong word…but I hate how it makes me feel and how I react in return. It makes me angry, anxious and defensive. It makes me want to run away, away from all the drama, the questions, the secret glances, the pitiful looks, the jealous stares and whatnots. 

The ideal dream, at this very moment, would be to vanish. To disappear into nowhere. Somewhere no one knows me and I know no one. Somewhere I can have some sense of peace and longing. Somewhere no one will tell me what to do, what to wear, what to say, what to think, who to associate with and how to be. I feel like… No one understands how much I long for that. To be unknown and start fresh. To have no one tell me things. No judgements. 

It’s pretty sad to read back on some of my earlier blog posts that discuss my life. I pity myself. I wish I had the courage to just get up and leave, which is what I want to do…. 

I feel like this is a bit of an incomplete blog but… I needed to get a few things off my chest, so here you have it. 

A detox


How addicted are you to social media? 

For the most part, I tend to stick to Instagram and Facebook Pages for business purposes, Whatsapp for keeping in touch with my friends and Snapchat occasionally as well. I’m way past the idea of uploading every bit of my life in detail on Facebook and right now I’m very happy with life this way. No one has the right or need to pass judgement on the recent lunch I had or the dress I wore to dinner or who I’m hanging out with and what my thoughts are on the current situation around the world. 

I haven’t been on Facebook for personal reasons as such. I only use it to share my work updates thus far for the past three to four months. It’s been quite a relaxing and free couple of months. I am not obliged to share anything, to comment on someone’s post, to pass judgement on someone’s wedding attire or social status and laugh at another’s pun indented joke or see where my friends have been dining. I don’t want to know and I don’t need to know. If you want to know about what’s going on in my life, talk to me. Call me or message me, don’t go to the Facebook page. 

Plus, I don’t understand why I would upload my entire life on Facebook. I see people who tag themselves in their honeymoon locations around the world, upload a snap of their newborn covered in blood, rave about their divorce because it feels like an escape from reality, shout to the world about falling in love and I just don’t want to do that anymore. Not on Facebook and not on social media for that matter. Yes, I do have a personal Instagram account but I only upload a picture every now and then and that too when I have something to say, not oh so randomly. I never used to be a private person, but over the past two years, I’ve become just that. On this blog however, I feel like I can say what I want to say. This is my mind map, where I unload most of my thoughts and feelings and where people can’t pass any judgments at me. If someone does, I just hide the comment. I am in control and I like it that way. 

Because for the most part, I felt like I had lost control of my life. Over here, I have a sense of it. I’m learning to pick up the pieces as we speak, and in a good way. My marriage isn’t the most perfect but the past week has been…alright. On a scale of one to ten I’d give it a four for the moment and that’s okay. However I do also feel that if my feelings do not change as the days and weeks and months go by, some drastic changes have to be made. I’m sure of that and quite adamant bout being in control of what goes on in my life. 

I no longer wear the hijab and hardly wear a shawl anymore either. This does not define who I am as a Muslim or my faith so don’t be oh so quick to pass judgements on my choices. Who I am is between me and my God. Just because I do not wear a shawl does not mean I am not modest or I am shaming my faith or family. I simply do not allow an item of clothing to define who I am. 

So back on to the social media detox… I think I’ll continue to be this way. I’ve had people wonder if my marriage is on the brink of separation or divorce and why I haven’t uploaded any images with my husband, but why should I feel obliged to answer these questions if I do not want to? I don’t need to upload an image of him and I just because we are happy or unhappy, together or divorced. I’d I don’t want to, I just won’t do it anymore. 

My detox may confuse some and cause friction in their minds but I just can’t sit down and give a care to what everyone thinks. Those days are over. I’m looking forward now towards better things. 

Wave of emotions

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Feeling blue and feeling happy

I’m a mix of emotions these days

Can’t complain though because the good days are wonderful

Amazing in fact

But then the wonderment fades  when I have to return home

Go back to the melodramatic atmosphere and existence

They say that one should never give up

But it doesn’t feel like giving up when I’m looking to give my life new meaning

I want to feel happy and free again

I do, for the most part when I am alone at home or when I am out with my friends

I love those days when I have it to myself and can do whatever I like….

But a part of my heart is opening up to new emotions

While another part of it is just cold and shut down….

I don’t quite know what to do with myself really

It’s not like I ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life

I just don’t want to live a life that others have drawn up for me…

I want to live a life that I see in my heart…

One where I am more in control and also free

Is that such a wrong thing?

Death

Death;

Probably feels better

Than sharp pointed objects

That puncture the heart

Repeatedly.

Being buried alive

Sounds like a good idea

So I’d have a pile of sand over my chest

And not have to feel anything else

Because…..

Who wants to feel hurt?

Who likes to be in pain?

I don’t.

I don’t want to feel this way

So death probably feels better. 
Death;

Will end all the pain

All the suffering

All the blame

End all the criticism.

It will take away the sorrow

The daily agony

That rises like the morning sun

The constant pins and needles

I want it all to go away

Who likes pain anyway?

I don’t.

So death will end the pain.