Hard days are ahead.
You know that feelings in your body and mind; how? I have no idea, you just know it. When has life ever been easy any way? If last night and this morning wasn’t testament to that notion, I don’t know what else could be.
Yes, hard days are ahead.
I haven’t spoken or seen my mom for a day. This is unusual as I live in the same house. However, I’ve currently retreated to my in-laws since it’s empty for a few days. I’ve literally run away from my parents – I don’t want to see them. Especially my father. But I think what nags at the back of my mind, is that I haven’t seen or spoken to my mom.
You know, how people say that you’re Daddy’s Girl? I’m my mom’s girl. It’s different between us. I can’t really explain how I got to that conclusion, but I just am and it just is. We don’t confide in one another or anything of that sort but we do have like an unspeakable and indescribable bond between us. Even now, when I am hurting and yet choosing to stay away, I miss her and I wish she would understand.
I wish she could see how much I’m hurting and how long I’ve been hurting for. I wish I had her undeniable and silent support at all times. I wish she’d say to me that I don’t have to put up this facade for her or dad’s sake and just get on with my life. I wish she’d just understand. And by understanding, I wish she would let me be me.
My dad on the other hand; our relationship is complicated. We don’t communicate much. When we do, its never or hardly ever about each other. These days on the hand have been on the subject of my future and marriage. On a personal note, let me just vent out at the top of my lungs and say – MY LIFE ISN’T UP FOR DISCUSSION!. It never has been, it isn’t and it never will be. What I choose to do with it, is my decision. Last night’s ‘meddling’ post was with regard to that actually. I couldn’t keep my head straight and yep, that’s what I wrote in the heat of the moment. My dad loves to meddle with my life. Who doesn’t any way?
From being told what to wear, who to meet, where to go and what not to do – I’ve been told it all. Right now, it’s marriage counselling. I thought counselling was supposed to be a personal and private thing. Why in the world would be want to butt in on that? Of course, it’s my father…so obviously he’d butt in on it. It’s pretty normal for him. This is where I roll my eyes and sigh in frustration. On cue people, it happens on cue.
I don’t fucking want to go for counselling. It doesn’t make me feel any better and I certainly am not going just because my father says I should. Meddling with my life as always. Why? Why? Why? Why does he enjoy meddling so much? I think it has to do with our culture and community – both LOVE to stuff their noses in places and businesses that they shouldn’t. They thrive actually in place and businesses that aren’t theirs. I’m getting catty now…sigh…it’s normal these days to have catty feelings. This whole thing is just catty and depressing anyway. This is me being catty, at 2.30 am and I’m not even yawning. I’m frustrated and unhappy and very saddened by the thought of being this way.
Gonna end this post right here… I shall return tomorrow…possibly…