Pain…

I’m a little bit in pain.. Okay that’s a lie; I’m in a lot of pain. 

That feeling of some part of you being taken apart? Yeah, that kind of pain. Worst part? I should have seen it coming. 

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New……..

The year didn’t start off that great. It’s been a whirlwind of episodes that have drained me emotionally, mentally and physically. 

I’ve been unwell since the first day of the year. Go figure! I’m still under medication, after two visits to the doctor and one blood test. I feel like I’m getting better though, which is a good thing. I hate being sick and especially for this long. That’s the physically draining part. 

Emotionally, I’m wiped out. I feel a river of tears bursting around the corners of the eyes every now and then but then they go away just as suddenly. I’ve unhappy thoughts and I suppose that’s a reason why. Every other day engulfed me with sadness and I’ve just been holding on. To what, I’ve yet to know….my sanity? I feel like I’m losing all of it now. I feel like I lose a part of me every single day. I’m dying, withering day by day. 

It’s all exhausting mentally. Every moment in life adds to the pressure; I’m not a good daughter, I’m not a good wife. I suppose I am good friend in some ways – just saying. I don’t seem to be good overall. I can’t live up to people’s expectations, I can’t keep up with the responsibilities and duties, I can’t seem to stick to the social norms. It’s just not in me. And therefore, I’ve disappointed the people around me; my parents and my husband. 

Is it a crime, to want to be happy? 

If it is so, then I’m guilty on all accounts. I’ll face the charges. I’m willing to go the extra mile to attain it and on a personal note, I don’t see it as a crime. It makes me selfish – but it is my life isn’t it? 

Saturday – I met with a certain someone who opened my eyes to a few things I didn’t see. I received good advice on how to proceed in life and was given good choices with what to do next in my life. 

Monday – My parents returned from their stint overseas. I also had an altercation with my father which obviously didn’t end up well. I left home and stayed at a hotel for the night. 

Today – I woke up early and got a head start on my work. I feel good and let’s hope the feeling doesn’t emb away.