My March

The past few weeks have been a rough but well learning ride. Apart from embarking on finding myself, and what I want from/in life, I also neeeded clarity. I needed clarity regarding the life I was choosing to live, on those who are/were a part of my life and who I wanted to be and what I was willing to go through in order to achieve that. 

Life’s hard and it’ll always be. I expect it to be no different to me. Once you make the right choices for yourself though, there is a sense of calm, peace and happines. I had been longing for that, for far too long. It isn’t easy to decide to end relationships that you’ve been a part of for years, and to find a new path to follow for yourself. We live in a world and I live in a country where the society and community is everything and it’s hard to not follow what is declared normal. Be mindful enough to be able to clarify what and identify what you want and what the society wants. They are most likely two VERY different things. And that’s okay. 

I know now that I can never or hardly ever live up to others’ expectations of myself. I am beyond that. It’s important to me however that I simply live up to mine. Social normals and realities aside, it’s important to find out what is normal and right in my eyes. How do I see myself? How do you see yourself? I know it’s easy for someone to advice you against listening to others and yet, take it fro someone who knows when I say, you really shouldn’t. It’s easy for the mind and heart to fall prey to words that are uttered in shame, anger, pain and disappointment. It does not howevr mean that they are true. Let people talk. They always will. Try not to let it affect you. I’m trying. Words hardly ever die, but a ruined peace of mind is hard to find and nuture so hold on to it as best as you can. 

It may sound ignorant or very stubborn of me, but a close friend told me I need to be thick skinned during hard times. I’m grateful for that piece of advice. It’s gotten me through rough days and harsh criticism. The negativity is hardly ever going to stop when I’ve chosen to do something out of the norm or against what is expected of me. That’s okay too. I can make my peace with that. I choose to let the negativity fall behind my back and continue to move forward. Life does not stop or wait for you. You’ve got to keep moving. 

Finding stability at a hard time and wen you’re just about discovering youself is a bit daunting, but once you start focusing on all the good things in life, stability will follow. Having a job or career that you enjoy, a great support system and friends you can always count on are geat ways to ensure your life continues to go on as best as it can. 

I tell myself, that it is okay to depend on myself. The voices around me misjudge and criticise me for it. All I often hear are the many ways it is a wrong choice to make and the many regrets I will have in my old age. I do it anyways. Why? Because I’m doing it for myself. I owe myself that much. My parents or relatives or friends aren’t always going to be there for me. I know that. This is my life afterall – I come first. Everyone else is secondary. I tell myself to have confidence in myself an to trust that I will be there when I am needed most. Life isn’t about what othes would do for you. What about what you would do for yourself? Be your own confidant, your own friend. Once you believe and trust in yourself, you will be unstoppable. 

What if I gravely fall ill or meet with an accident? Ive been asked these questions countless times. They are possible scenarios but I try not to get too caught up in them. Is the solutin finding a partner so that I can be taken care of? I don’t intend on being cocky or over confident, but I trust that I can take care of myself. I know wahat I am capable of and am not stupid enough to take wild risks. I know when to depend on myself and I know when to ask for help. As long as I am clear on those two terms, I know I have nothing to worry about. 


Twelve months

When I look back on the past twelve months, I see a huge difference in myself. I no longer wear the hijab, I no longer carry a shawl with me wherever I go and I’ve actually taken action regarding my life. Change is coming; change is here. 

It’s been a definite bumpy road, but I see how in small ways, the changes I decided to make have led me to where I am today. For that, I am grateful. 

I am grateful that today, I stand by myself with no need to impress someone or please someone for the sake of keeping the peace. I am grateful, that I do not have to pretend to be someone I am not. I am grateful for the career changes I made because I am able to financially support myself independently and keep my passion for writing alive. I am grateful I kept close, the friends and family who have meant so much to me and continue to support me in my hard times. 

It’s easy I think, to lose sight of what matters in hard times. It’s easy to get caught up in unnecessary drama and forget whats important or lose your way. I’ve faltered on so many accounts in the past twelve months but I am grateful I kept steering towards what needed to be done. 

Some days continue to be hard; like today. It was hard and I moped for some hours; I passed the deadline on a due write-up. i daydreamed a little too much and overthought certain scenarios and moments in my head. I try not to give myself a hard time over having the occassional hard day though. I should be allowed to have a few every now and then. I’m only human afterall. 

Life goes on….

Things going right 

There may be a million things going wrong in your life right now, but I think as humans we are flawed to not to see the million things that are also going right in our lives. Yes marriages are a lot of hard work and every day isn’t breezy and blissful but I do have a wonderful family and bunch of friends that constantly support me and are at my beck and call whenever I need them, I have a solid roof above my head, clothes to keep me warm and food at the table so really what am I complaining about a couple of arguments with my husband? It does pull me down and make me feel less great about this thing called life but then again, these are what makes us wiser, stronger and better humans. This struggle will teach us many things and I’d like to believe I can overcome anything that comes my way including the negativity.