Paean II


My emotions are all over the place right now and I don’t know if I’ll make sense. It’s purely thoughts scrammed in my little brain and thoughts that have consumed my heart. Last night – was hard. It was harsh and painful. I don’t think I’ve ever cried like that. I have not felt that kind of excruciating pain and aching in my heart ever. It wasn’t an experience. It was no good. I lay there, an hour later, exhausted and feeling completely consumed by saddened emotion. I don’t know what came over me. I lay on the ground, unable to breathe normally and unable to move a muscle. I lay there, staring at the door, the ceiling, the wall…just staring. I thought I’d at least feel some void, some emptiness but it didn’t come. Only hurt arrived at my door. And pain. Two uninvited guests. I dislike them very much. But then, what choice did I have but to welcome them into my body, mind and soul? None at all. 

Wave of emotions

presentation-emotions

Feeling blue and feeling happy

I’m a mix of emotions these days

Can’t complain though because the good days are wonderful

Amazing in fact

But then the wonderment fades  when I have to return home

Go back to the melodramatic atmosphere and existence

They say that one should never give up

But it doesn’t feel like giving up when I’m looking to give my life new meaning

I want to feel happy and free again

I do, for the most part when I am alone at home or when I am out with my friends

I love those days when I have it to myself and can do whatever I like….

But a part of my heart is opening up to new emotions

While another part of it is just cold and shut down….

I don’t quite know what to do with myself really

It’s not like I ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life

I just don’t want to live a life that others have drawn up for me…

I want to live a life that I see in my heart…

One where I am more in control and also free

Is that such a wrong thing?

Inner peace 

  
This reminds me of Kung Fu Panda, but on a serious note, I do believe inner peace is attained when you stop allowing others to control your emotions and life. 

There is a sense of satisfaction when only you have control over how you feel, where you go, what you do and so on. 

That I believe is inner peace. 

Until…

We looked into each other’s eyes

He breathed

I stared

‘Are you mad at me’? he asked

I inhaled

‘More at myself than you’

He started to speak

But I continued…

‘Mad at myself

For letting myself

Feel things I shouldn’t

Dream of things I shouldn’t

And want things I shouldn’t’

He whispered my name

And my heart broke a little

He moved a step closer

And my heart hitched inside

‘Don’t… don’t come any closer’

I said

He took another step

Towards me

‘Please don’t’ I said again

‘Give me a hug’ he said

And a tear rolled down my face

‘That’s what I’m afraid of’

Another step

Another tear

He reached out to me

Held my waist

And pulled me closer

I broke down entirely

And clung to him

He already knew

What was on my mind

And I knew he wouldn’t say

The words I dreamed him say

So we stayed

In each other’s arms

In silence

Until it was time to say goodbye