I’m making my way towards home
I like walking if the weather is good
I avoid the puddles from last night’s rainfall
And the cracked bits of pavement
And I think of you….
I reach home and I head straight to my room
I undress and get under the sheets
Gathering all the pillows and the cushions
Making myself comfortable
And I think of you….
It’s late and night and my mind is wandering
And I think of the day’s events
I make lists for the next day
And as I drift off into slumber
I think of you…
What does it mean to be attracted to someone? To be attached, to feel connected?
How does one know the difference between being ‘interested’ in someone, having a ‘crush’ on someone, to liking someone, to feeling something deeper and evidently falling in love with someone?
What is this human need or desire to be and feel attached or connected to another human? Is that how we are designed to be and live, or somehow have accustomed ourselves to eventually be and live?
Too many questions.
My emotions are all over the place right now and I don’t know if I’ll make sense. It’s purely thoughts scrammed in my little brain and thoughts that have consumed my heart. Last night – was hard. It was harsh and painful. I don’t think I’ve ever cried like that. I have not felt that kind of excruciating pain and aching in my heart ever. It wasn’t an experience. It was no good. I lay there, an hour later, exhausted and feeling completely consumed by saddened emotion. I don’t know what came over me. I lay on the ground, unable to breathe normally and unable to move a muscle. I lay there, staring at the door, the ceiling, the wall…just staring. I thought I’d at least feel some void, some emptiness but it didn’t come. Only hurt arrived at my door. And pain. Two uninvited guests. I dislike them very much. But then, what choice did I have but to welcome them into my body, mind and soul? None at all.
Feeling blue and feeling happy
I’m a mix of emotions these days
Can’t complain though because the good days are wonderful
Amazing in fact
But then the wonderment fades when I have to return home
Go back to the melodramatic atmosphere and existence
They say that one should never give up
But it doesn’t feel like giving up when I’m looking to give my life new meaning
I want to feel happy and free again
I do, for the most part when I am alone at home or when I am out with my friends
I love those days when I have it to myself and can do whatever I like….
But a part of my heart is opening up to new emotions
While another part of it is just cold and shut down….
I don’t quite know what to do with myself really
It’s not like I ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life
I just don’t want to live a life that others have drawn up for me…
I want to live a life that I see in my heart…
One where I am more in control and also free
Is that such a wrong thing?