Don’t we all long for it? A little bit of happiness, at least, every single day to keep our zest for life alive? I like to think yes. We all do. But why is it so hard to be happy nowadays? Why is happiness so costly? In today’s world, happiness can cost you time, money, effort and energy, friends, family and even your life. But why is it that we still harness all our might and strength, determination and energy to find it even in the slightest form? I’d like to think because it’s worth it. It has to be right? Correct me if I’m wrong, but why else would we struggle all our lives to find it if otherwise?
I’ve been unwell since the first day of the year. Go figure! I’m still under medication, after two visits to the doctor and one blood test. I feel like I’m getting better though, which is a good thing. I hate being sick and especially for this long. That’s the physically draining part.
Emotionally, I’m wiped out. I feel a river of tears bursting around the corners of the eyes every now and then but then they go away just as suddenly. I’ve unhappy thoughts and I suppose that’s a reason why. Every other day engulfed me with sadness and I’ve just been holding on. To what, I’ve yet to know….my sanity? I feel like I’m losing all of it now. I feel like I lose a part of me every single day. I’m dying, withering day by day.
It’s all exhausting mentally. Every moment in life adds to the pressure; I’m not a good daughter, I’m not a good wife. I suppose I am good friend in some ways – just saying. I don’t seem to be good overall. I can’t live up to people’s expectations, I can’t keep up with the responsibilities and duties, I can’t seem to stick to the social norms. It’s just not in me. And therefore, I’ve disappointed the people around me; my parents and my husband.
Is it a crime, to want to be happy?
If it is so, then I’m guilty on all accounts. I’ll face the charges. I’m willing to go the extra mile to attain it and on a personal note, I don’t see it as a crime. It makes me selfish – but it is my life isn’t it?
Saturday – I met with a certain someone who opened my eyes to a few things I didn’t see. I received good advice on how to proceed in life and was given good choices with what to do next in my life.
Monday – My parents returned from their stint overseas. I also had an altercation with my father which obviously didn’t end up well. I left home and stayed at a hotel for the night.
Today – I woke up early and got a head start on my work. I feel good and let’s hope the feeling doesn’t emb away.
It’s for your own good…. Yeah yeah I’ve heard that one a gazillion times before… It never gets old and people don’t tire of saying it to you.
Tonight.. I’m just tired of all the meddling. Sick and exhausted of it all. I don’t understand why someone cannot be let to live and just be. How hard is it really? My life has been meddled with in all its entirety. When it happens on a daily basis, it takes its toll on you and not in the best way.
I thought I had somewhat of a pretty good week or hardly or less meddling and then, bam! It just hits you so hard right across the face. I hate… Hate is such a strong word…but I hate how it makes me feel and how I react in return. It makes me angry, anxious and defensive. It makes me want to run away, away from all the drama, the questions, the secret glances, the pitiful looks, the jealous stares and whatnots.
The ideal dream, at this very moment, would be to vanish. To disappear into nowhere. Somewhere no one knows me and I know no one. Somewhere I can have some sense of peace and longing. Somewhere no one will tell me what to do, what to wear, what to say, what to think, who to associate with and how to be. I feel like… No one understands how much I long for that. To be unknown and start fresh. To have no one tell me things. No judgements.
It’s pretty sad to read back on some of my earlier blog posts that discuss my life. I pity myself. I wish I had the courage to just get up and leave, which is what I want to do….
Feeling blue and feeling happy
I’m a mix of emotions these days
Can’t complain though because the good days are wonderful
Amazing in fact
But then the wonderment fades when I have to return home
Go back to the melodramatic atmosphere and existence
They say that one should never give up
But it doesn’t feel like giving up when I’m looking to give my life new meaning
I want to feel happy and free again
I do, for the most part when I am alone at home or when I am out with my friends
I love those days when I have it to myself and can do whatever I like….
But a part of my heart is opening up to new emotions
While another part of it is just cold and shut down….
I don’t quite know what to do with myself really
It’s not like I ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life
I just don’t want to live a life that others have drawn up for me…
I want to live a life that I see in my heart…
One where I am more in control and also free
Is that such a wrong thing?