My emotions are all over the place right now and I don’t know if I’ll make sense. It’s purely thoughts scrammed in my little brain and thoughts that have consumed my heart. Last night – was hard. It was harsh and painful. I don’t think I’ve ever cried like that. I have not felt that kind of excruciating pain and aching in my heart ever. It wasn’t an experience. It was no good. I lay there, an hour later, exhausted and feeling completely consumed by saddened emotion. I don’t know what came over me. I lay on the ground, unable to breathe normally and unable to move a muscle. I lay there, staring at the door, the ceiling, the wall…just staring. I thought I’d at least feel some void, some emptiness but it didn’t come. Only hurt arrived at my door. And pain. Two uninvited guests. I dislike them very much. But then, what choice did I have but to welcome them into my body, mind and soul? None at all.
But what did I do to make you hate me so much?
I never said hate
But you have no feelings…
That’s right, I have no feelings for you
But what I did I do wrong?
Look back over the years…
But I still love you, and I want to make this work…
I feel stuck in a relationship that I don’t want to be in
Give me one more chance?
But I just want to get away!
All I’ve wanted was to make you happy
But I’m not happy with you
What do you want out of this relationship?
What do you see for us in the coming year?
I just want you in my life
Even if I’m not happy and have no feelings for you?
What have I done wrong?
It’s not you, it’s me… I don’t love you
There is a sense of satisfaction when only you have control over how you feel, where you go, what you do and so on.
That I believe is inner peace.
I know that it’s a leap of faith that you take when you want to be true to yourself and not let what others think or say affect you but that is also what is going to bring you true happiness. When you are comfortable in your own skin, when you let go of your worries and inhibitions, what else is there to bring you down and make you unhappy? Nothing! Stop thinking about what others think or might be thinking. It’s a waste of time, trust me. Their negativity is not worth your time or your life so learn to let it go. Learn to be happy and content with the way you are and who you are and happiness will come naturally.
Again, it’s not an easy process. You might hurt people along the way but keep in mind that if you choose otherwise and instead make others happy, you are neglecting yourself and making yourself unhappy. Question is – is it worth it? If it isn’t, then learn to let it all go and just be you.
Everyday brings the hope of something new – a new beginning and a fresh opportunity to start all over. I’ve been told that I think too much with my heart and not my mind. I don’t think this is a bad thing at all. Thinking with my heart has made me selfless, non judgmental, kind and a shoulder to lean on. It has made me stronger and wiser in many ways. Yes I’ve had my heart broken perhaps s little too often because of it but I have no regrets over my experiences. So every morning, remember to clear your mind. Free your soul and think with your heart. It could do you no wrong.
Much love! Xoxo