Paean II


My emotions are all over the place right now and I don’t know if I’ll make sense. It’s purely thoughts scrammed in my little brain and thoughts that have consumed my heart. Last night – was hard. It was harsh and painful. I don’t think I’ve ever cried like that. I have not felt that kind of excruciating pain and aching in my heart ever. It wasn’t an experience. It was no good. I lay there, an hour later, exhausted and feeling completely consumed by saddened emotion. I don’t know what came over me. I lay on the ground, unable to breathe normally and unable to move a muscle. I lay there, staring at the door, the ceiling, the wall…just staring. I thought I’d at least feel some void, some emptiness but it didn’t come. Only hurt arrived at my door. And pain. Two uninvited guests. I dislike them very much. But then, what choice did I have but to welcome them into my body, mind and soul? None at all. 

Lessons complete 

  
Do you think this is true? I’m a little unsure….. 

I’ve come to sort of ignore a few issues in life cuz they upset me so much before. Now I feel like I’ve become stronger so they don’t upset me as much. 

Is my lesson complete? 

Things that hurt… 

  
On a random hour of the day, I’d lay a mat on the floor, lie down and do a bit of thinking. 

I think of the good things in life, happy and fond memories. I’d also come to realize that a few of these happy memories tend to hurt. 

There’s an ache in my heart and somewhere deep within in me I’m in pain. Deep nostalgic pain. 

It hurts to think of friends who’ve migrated or I’m not in touch with anymore. I ache recalling the long phone calls and endless laughter over stupid things. It saddens me to remember the little sweet things we’d done together. 

It’s all come to an end. 

And the happy memories do hurt.