Fatal


What does it mean to be attracted to someone? To be attached, to feel connected?

How does one know the difference between being ‘interested’ in someone, having a ‘crush’ on someone, to liking someone, to feeling something deeper and evidently falling in love with someone? 

What is this human need or desire to be and feel attached or connected to another human? Is that how we are designed to be and live, or somehow have accustomed ourselves to eventually be and live?  

Too many questions.  

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No love


I don’t love you

But what did I do to make you hate me so much?

I never said hate

But you have no feelings…

That’s right, I have no feelings for you

But what I did I do wrong?

Look back over the years…

But I still love you, and I want to make this work…

I feel stuck in a relationship that I don’t want to be in

Give me one more chance?

But I just want to get away!

All I’ve wanted was to make you happy

But I’m not happy with you

What do you want out of this relationship?

What do you see for us in the coming year?

I just want you in my life

Even if I’m not happy and have no feelings for you?

What have I done wrong?

It’s not you, it’s me… I don’t love you

A detox


How addicted are you to social media? 

For the most part, I tend to stick to Instagram and Facebook Pages for business purposes, Whatsapp for keeping in touch with my friends and Snapchat occasionally as well. I’m way past the idea of uploading every bit of my life in detail on Facebook and right now I’m very happy with life this way. No one has the right or need to pass judgement on the recent lunch I had or the dress I wore to dinner or who I’m hanging out with and what my thoughts are on the current situation around the world. 

I haven’t been on Facebook for personal reasons as such. I only use it to share my work updates thus far for the past three to four months. It’s been quite a relaxing and free couple of months. I am not obliged to share anything, to comment on someone’s post, to pass judgement on someone’s wedding attire or social status and laugh at another’s pun indented joke or see where my friends have been dining. I don’t want to know and I don’t need to know. If you want to know about what’s going on in my life, talk to me. Call me or message me, don’t go to the Facebook page. 

Plus, I don’t understand why I would upload my entire life on Facebook. I see people who tag themselves in their honeymoon locations around the world, upload a snap of their newborn covered in blood, rave about their divorce because it feels like an escape from reality, shout to the world about falling in love and I just don’t want to do that anymore. Not on Facebook and not on social media for that matter. Yes, I do have a personal Instagram account but I only upload a picture every now and then and that too when I have something to say, not oh so randomly. I never used to be a private person, but over the past two years, I’ve become just that. On this blog however, I feel like I can say what I want to say. This is my mind map, where I unload most of my thoughts and feelings and where people can’t pass any judgments at me. If someone does, I just hide the comment. I am in control and I like it that way. 

Because for the most part, I felt like I had lost control of my life. Over here, I have a sense of it. I’m learning to pick up the pieces as we speak, and in a good way. My marriage isn’t the most perfect but the past week has been…alright. On a scale of one to ten I’d give it a four for the moment and that’s okay. However I do also feel that if my feelings do not change as the days and weeks and months go by, some drastic changes have to be made. I’m sure of that and quite adamant bout being in control of what goes on in my life. 

I no longer wear the hijab and hardly wear a shawl anymore either. This does not define who I am as a Muslim or my faith so don’t be oh so quick to pass judgements on my choices. Who I am is between me and my God. Just because I do not wear a shawl does not mean I am not modest or I am shaming my faith or family. I simply do not allow an item of clothing to define who I am. 

So back on to the social media detox… I think I’ll continue to be this way. I’ve had people wonder if my marriage is on the brink of separation or divorce and why I haven’t uploaded any images with my husband, but why should I feel obliged to answer these questions if I do not want to? I don’t need to upload an image of him and I just because we are happy or unhappy, together or divorced. I’d I don’t want to, I just won’t do it anymore. 

My detox may confuse some and cause friction in their minds but I just can’t sit down and give a care to what everyone thinks. Those days are over. I’m looking forward now towards better things. 

Wave of emotions

presentation-emotions

Feeling blue and feeling happy

I’m a mix of emotions these days

Can’t complain though because the good days are wonderful

Amazing in fact

But then the wonderment fades  when I have to return home

Go back to the melodramatic atmosphere and existence

They say that one should never give up

But it doesn’t feel like giving up when I’m looking to give my life new meaning

I want to feel happy and free again

I do, for the most part when I am alone at home or when I am out with my friends

I love those days when I have it to myself and can do whatever I like….

But a part of my heart is opening up to new emotions

While another part of it is just cold and shut down….

I don’t quite know what to do with myself really

It’s not like I ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life

I just don’t want to live a life that others have drawn up for me…

I want to live a life that I see in my heart…

One where I am more in control and also free

Is that such a wrong thing?