This is me

I am me

The pain inside

Defines who I am

The internal bruises, the scars

Are a definition of my emotions


What does it matter

When it all comes to an end?

Who am I without the hurt?

This is my beauty

This is me

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Paean II


My emotions are all over the place right now and I don’t know if I’ll make sense. It’s purely thoughts scrammed in my little brain and thoughts that have consumed my heart. Last night – was hard. It was harsh and painful. I don’t think I’ve ever cried like that. I have not felt that kind of excruciating pain and aching in my heart ever. It wasn’t an experience. It was no good. I lay there, an hour later, exhausted and feeling completely consumed by saddened emotion. I don’t know what came over me. I lay on the ground, unable to breathe normally and unable to move a muscle. I lay there, staring at the door, the ceiling, the wall…just staring. I thought I’d at least feel some void, some emptiness but it didn’t come. Only hurt arrived at my door. And pain. Two uninvited guests. I dislike them very much. But then, what choice did I have but to welcome them into my body, mind and soul? None at all. 

Death

Death;

Probably feels better

Than sharp pointed objects

That puncture the heart

Repeatedly.

Being buried alive

Sounds like a good idea

So I’d have a pile of sand over my chest

And not have to feel anything else

Because…..

Who wants to feel hurt?

Who likes to be in pain?

I don’t.

I don’t want to feel this way

So death probably feels better. 
Death;

Will end all the pain

All the suffering

All the blame

End all the criticism.

It will take away the sorrow

The daily agony

That rises like the morning sun

The constant pins and needles

I want it all to go away

Who likes pain anyway?

I don’t.

So death will end the pain. 

Lessons complete 

  
Do you think this is true? I’m a little unsure….. 

I’ve come to sort of ignore a few issues in life cuz they upset me so much before. Now I feel like I’ve become stronger so they don’t upset me as much. 

Is my lesson complete? 

Things that hurt… 

  
On a random hour of the day, I’d lay a mat on the floor, lie down and do a bit of thinking. 

I think of the good things in life, happy and fond memories. I’d also come to realize that a few of these happy memories tend to hurt. 

There’s an ache in my heart and somewhere deep within in me I’m in pain. Deep nostalgic pain. 

It hurts to think of friends who’ve migrated or I’m not in touch with anymore. I ache recalling the long phone calls and endless laughter over stupid things. It saddens me to remember the little sweet things we’d done together. 

It’s all come to an end. 

And the happy memories do hurt.