I pray

  
I pray… You fall for a man with empathy; a man with kindness in his heart; a man who isn’t afraid, ashamed or shy to show affection in public; a man who respects your individuality; a man who listens to your opinions and value them; a man who craves for adventure as much as you do; a man who will feed into your dreams and want them to come true just as much as you; a man who is patient with your downfalls and a man who is passionate about being in love with you… I pray. 

Emotions

What are you feeling right this second? It’s somewhat a feeling between lost and bewilderment. I’m a little confused, a little sad and a little annoyed.

Why? Because I’m stupid and I let things get to me… I know in my mind I shouldn’t but my heart is so carefree so that I let it guide me and allow me to feel things I shouldn’t.

What kind of things? Wonder.. love. The kind of love that doesn’t exist. The kind of love I’ve made up in my head. The kind of love that doesn’t let you down or hurt you in any way. That kind of love…. the perfect kind of love..

Why let your heart decide over your mind? I don’t know how to answer this… I guess it’s because I’ve always let my heart decide. I feel so much and it’s easier to choose and make decisions therefore with my heart when there’s so much of emotions going on inside me. My mind on the other hand is a bit cold and I never liked letting it decide for me.

But now you’re hurt…aren’t you? I am. Very much. It’s like this burning sensation inside of me. This awful heaviness in my head. This hurtful ache in my heart. And yet I know there is nothing I can do about it.

You led yourself into this..didn’t you? Yes. I admit wholeheartedly.

What do you intend to do now? I pray… I pray that I should be okay..someday if not now. I pray for patience and I pray for peace within myself. I pray that God leads me wherever He wants to take me and I am okay. I do not want excessive happiness but I do not want to feel sadness either. I just want contentment . I want to be okay. I know I’ll get there…. but I have to admit the journey is long and hard. It’s a painful test of my strength and integrity, my faith and my wilfulness.

Will this help? I can only hope…

Why not confide in someone? Why should I… I do to an extent but that’s it… How can I depend on someone so much? Wouldn’t that cause me more hurt in return? Should I not be self-sufficient?

It’s easy to talk things through with someone close to you.. Do you not trust? I do… with my heart. I trust wholeheartedly and then it’s like coming around in a full circle… I can relate my whole life story and get attached so easily. And then in one moment… one wakeup call from reality… I am back to where I started.. Cause it’s easy to let others know your story… it’s easy to talk about what’s hurting inside of me but in reality, it doesn’t solve anything does it? All I am doing is letting my emotions out… once that’s done… I am back to square one.. I feel lost, wonder and bewilderment.