I’ve been unwell since the first day of the year. Go figure! I’m still under medication, after two visits to the doctor and one blood test. I feel like I’m getting better though, which is a good thing. I hate being sick and especially for this long. That’s the physically draining part.
Emotionally, I’m wiped out. I feel a river of tears bursting around the corners of the eyes every now and then but then they go away just as suddenly. I’ve unhappy thoughts and I suppose that’s a reason why. Every other day engulfed me with sadness and I’ve just been holding on. To what, I’ve yet to know….my sanity? I feel like I’m losing all of it now. I feel like I lose a part of me every single day. I’m dying, withering day by day.
It’s all exhausting mentally. Every moment in life adds to the pressure; I’m not a good daughter, I’m not a good wife. I suppose I am good friend in some ways – just saying. I don’t seem to be good overall. I can’t live up to people’s expectations, I can’t keep up with the responsibilities and duties, I can’t seem to stick to the social norms. It’s just not in me. And therefore, I’ve disappointed the people around me; my parents and my husband.
Is it a crime, to want to be happy?
If it is so, then I’m guilty on all accounts. I’ll face the charges. I’m willing to go the extra mile to attain it and on a personal note, I don’t see it as a crime. It makes me selfish – but it is my life isn’t it?
Saturday – I met with a certain someone who opened my eyes to a few things I didn’t see. I received good advice on how to proceed in life and was given good choices with what to do next in my life.
Monday – My parents returned from their stint overseas. I also had an altercation with my father which obviously didn’t end up well. I left home and stayed at a hotel for the night.
Today – I woke up early and got a head start on my work. I feel good and let’s hope the feeling doesn’t emb away.